I chose to start this new blog in order to record my faith journey as it happens. So, here is the background.
My name is Maurae. I love my family- my parents, my brother, and his soon-to-be wife- more dearly than anything else. I've already told Jenn that there will be no 'in-laws' between us. She will be my sister like Justin is my brother.
I'm a Christian; that is, I believe in Scripture and what it says. I believe that Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, and died on the cross to save me from my sin. I believe that he rose from the dead after three days and ascended to heaven.
I'm just not so good at putting my beliefs into action. I tend to treat my salvation as a safety net, something I know Christians aren't supposed to do. The problem I'm finding myself having repeatedly is that I have a tendency to "go along". I don't like to make waves (unless the waves are in regards to the outcome of a board game), and I don't often feel confident enough in myself or my knowledge to stand strong on things. Including my faith.
Case in point: boyfriends.
My current one is actually quite a bit younger than I am. Not like super younger than I am. But about seven years younger than I am. Which wouldn't be that big a deal if we were in our thirties, I expect. But since we're both in our twenties (yes, he's legal, stop thinking what you're thinking), it's a little more of a big deal.
My Christian values say "NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE."
The world says "do what you want, man, everybody else is!"
My boyfriend says "We're in our sexual prime, and I have a healthy libido."
And meanwhile, my mind and heart and body are all pulling in different directions. In an attempt to please everybody, I only make myself wretchedly miserable.
I knew God disapproved of my relationship with my boyfriend. Despite going into it with the determination that I wasn't going to sleep with him, I did it anyway. I broke another promise to myself and to God. It's not something I'm proud of.
Last night, I was listening to one of my WOW CD's and it just hit me. I need to stop. But I can't stop myself if I don't tell my boyfriend I want to stop.
So, today, I did what I knew I should have done all along. I told my boyfriend I didn't want to have sex again. I told him I wanted to stop having sex until I got married, if I ever ended up getting married. I told him with the full realization that it might (and most likely would) end our relationship.
To his credit, he wants time to think. He didn't immediately say "of course we can stay together and never have sex", nor did he immediately say "shoot, I'm out of here!" So that's definitely a good sign that he could be mature enough to handle a sex-free relationship.
The thing is, I want him to do whatever he needs to do for him. If sex-free isn't for him, then he should end this relationship with me. But if he can, if he thinks he can do it, that I'm the right woman for him in the long run...well, then he should stay. To be honest, even I haven't been in a sex-free relationship since I was still living with my parents! I'm not entirely sure how to go about it, either. But I want to try.
I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm trying. To not have to go to my mom and confess, yet again, that I screwed up and am now ashamed of myself (again).
Being a Christian is hard work. It takes a lot of going against what the world tells you to do or tries to convince you is okay, and learning to ask what God wants you to do instead.
But at the end of the day...I still really want to know what God wants me to do. It seems to turn out better than listening to what the world tells me is okay.
